Readjustment Bureau

Saw the movie Adjustment Bureau and liked it a lot!  It made me think about all the times I forced myself to do something or accomplish something without my heart being truly in it.  Like the many sales jobs I’ve had over the years and just didn’t believe in the product.  It didn’t matter how much team building I did or how many product showcase events I attended, if I didn’t care, I just couldn’t sell it!
    A similar epiphany occurs to the main character of this movie, played by Matt Damon, who is on the road to a successful presidential bid when he discovers his true love, played by Emily Blunt.  Also on the road to a successful future as a dancer/choreographer, she is suddenly awakened to a new side of herself.  Both freaked out by what this love might mean for their futures, they find themselves moving from a semi-rewarding unconscious life to a conscious life that brings them both passion and havoc.
     Paying and attention to the many twists and turns their lives have taken since they met, they discover that their predestined life of fame and fortune is not exactly what they desired after all.  Why choose the messy life over an accomplished life?  I guess that is the question the movie leaves up to the audience?
    For me, it’s a question of paying attention to when my head and heart are disconnected in any given situation and making a course adjustment.  This kind of realignment may beg the question: “What do I need today to make my life fruitful?”  I find that sometimes going through the motions is exactly what I need to do because it keeps me on track toward my more desirable life which has to do with staying connected to my family, friends and keeping everyday life enjoyable. 
    Not too interested in accomplishments but rather in who I am becoming, some days the process may entail buying groceries, driving the kids around and doing the laundry.  Other days, it might include creative projects, outreach and making intentional connections.  Whatever the case, I find that life is much more rich when I’m present to it rather than just trying to control or striving for a successful outcome.  Process over product.
    How about you?  When do you find yourself striving rather than living?  Seeking out the ends without being present to the means?  And finally, when do your thoughts of “what could be” get in the way of “what is happening right now”?

Listening to Tears

Last weekend marked the end of yet another season of basketball for my daughter.  An unusually demanding season, I still found myself looking forward to not just watching her play but to cheer and gab with other parents.  It started out as any other season except that I seemed much more emotionally involved regarding the outcome of each game.  Not a competitive person by nature, I had my share of competitive tennis growing up.  I remember enjoying the mantra of hitting and receiving the ball on my racquet but very little interest in winning, or so I thought.
    Continuing to pay attention and listening to my unusual reactions throughout this season, I have come to realize that my own fear of losing far outweighed my desire to win.  I know this because over the past few months, I’ve watched my daughter handle winning and losing in a most remarkable way.  Venting about “bad refs” and shedding some tears upon each loss, I’ve observed my daughter bounce back beautifully from game to game.  Winning, as much fun as it can be, mostly comprised of her shelving a trophy or getting a new t-shirt.  She always seemed more interested in the process of going to practice, learning new skills and being with her team mates.  This is not the way I learned to do things, not at all!
    So it became immensely cathartic for me when my daughter’s team lost in the third round of the state tournament by one point.  My sudden intense wave of tears was not about her losing or even about an end to a wonderful season, it was about old memories that needed healing.  I found myself absolutely traumatized when her team lost their 3 point lead in the remaining 45 seconds of the game.  I could barely breathe much less speak.  I was in a kind of mind numbing abyss and just wanted to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep.  I was absolutely devastated and there was nothing I could do about it, so I didn’t.
    Pulling myself up from the bench, I somehow made it over to the other parents who were all huddled around the coaches and the team.  Not looking much better than me, we all stood in shock as the coach talked the girls down and reminded them of all the wonderful things they had learned this year and how proud he was of each and every one of them.  Overwhelmed with emotion, I looked over at my daughter who was sitting against the wall looking down at her feet.  A few tears rolling down her cheek, she got up, put on her shooting shirt and grabbed a couple team mates to go get something to eat from the snack stand.  And that was that! 
    Afterward, some of us parents gathered around and hugged.  It was tough on us, it really was!  I came to realize, however, that my tears had very little to do with the girls losing that day and everything about me healing some of my own painful losses.  Still tired and frazzled, we took the team to lunch and watched them bounce back as they laughed and enjoyed each other.  I, on the other hand, was exhausted and took a nap on the way home.  It was a long day for me and rightfully so, I had been holding in a lot of pain for a very long time and today was the relief I had been waiting for.
    How about you?  Do you ever find yourself overreacting to a situation that has little or nothing to do with you?  Maybe you too are being invited to heal the wounds of the past by being present to the tears of today?