Follow the Yin-Yang Energy and Hope for the Best!

Image via WikipediaMy daughter has had a love affair with ball sports since any of us can remember. She’s tried dance, gymnastics, skating, swimming and even fencing but nothing seems to compare to her desire to hit, pass, chase or kick that ball! She doesn't discriminate about the size of the ball either as long as she can interact with it in an all out aggressive way. This quiet, shy child of mine unleashes a beast-like energy whenever she competes for access to the ball at play.
Now, her identical twin sister, has little if any interest in ball sports. She’s just as athletic as her sister but doesn’t seem to share in that desire to interact with the ball at all costs. She enjoys soccer but less for the competition of it and more for the camaraderie of it. Most recently she’s discovered a profound love for dance. Her body seems to commune with this desire and blends into a graceful motion at will. This ability to flex and bend for no apparent reason irritates her sister to no end and on occasion causes a rift that has something to do with being a “girly, girl” and arguing that "dance isn’t a real sport anyway!" Of course, anyone who has seen a professional ballet performance can tell you that these dancers are in no way joking around. This is another point of contention, however, when my daughter comes home with bloody toes from a strenuous point class and yells, “See, don’t tell me dance isn’t a sport!” And so it goes.
Simply put, my daughters are different from one another yet very much the same. They share 99 percent DNA but their spiritual paths seem quite different. One has the demeanor of a cat and gets around to things in slow motion while the other one is like a puppy chomping at the bit to play, play, play! One has dimples and a collection of stuffed animals on her bed and the other one answers to parent chants from the sidelines of a basketball court: “Release the beast!”
What can I say, it hasn’t been easy raising the “yin-yang twins” but luckily their energy has blazed a fairly easy trail to follow. Afraid at times that they’ll lose their way, I try to bask in the understanding that God is ultimately in charge and loves them unconditionally. Easier said than done since one daughter was obsessed with vampires for awhile and now sees herself as a crime scene investigator. Guess which twin? She DVR’s anything with “crime”, “cops” or “CSI” in the title. Now luckily, I’m not terribly intimidated by her focus on the dark side of things because I’ve come to realize that she’s not really interested in joining dark forces but rather to eliminate them. At the core of her being, there seems to lie this genuine need to get at the “truth” of things. To her credit, she doesn’t seem the least bit afraid of the muckety muck that she will need to trudge through to get to it. I wish her well.
My other daughter, though not the least bit interested in getting dirty, seems to enjoy being with others. Whether playing in the school band, singing in the choir or dog-siting, she lives to connect! She’ll do anything, even clean her room, to get a chance to “hang out” with friends or organize a gathering. Easier to raise at times, I can’t help but worry that she’s “too nice” and will let others take advantage of her. I can only hope, I guess, that her sister will take her to a shooting range someday and teach her to shoot straight!
Whatever happens, I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned that at their core they are about “truth” and “love” and my job is to get out of the way of that. And if I can follow their lead, I might even be helpful in keeping them on track. For me, this has been the hardest yet most rewarding part of being a parent. Knowing when to intervene and knowing when to stay away. I just hope I don’t get the two mixed up!

Facebook, Feedback and the Church

Learning about Facebook has been an interesting ride. I had so many preconceived notions and repulsions toward it, yet now I’m thinking it’s simply a reflection of what our world hungers for, to be engaged with others. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not a big fan of reading about one of my “friends” eating a muffin for breakfast versus a bagel. And I certainly could care less if another friend is “off to do laundry” but underlying all this mundane jargon seems to lie a deeper truth. A simple gesture to engage with others in whatever way seems relevant at that precise moment.
Having teen-agers now, I find it harder and harder to find ways to spend time with them so if they want to talk about a bagel, I’ll take it! I wonder, however, if my engagement with them is not less but simply different now that they are finding their independence? Maybe my presence is good enough? Maybe just being around, not necessarily doing something with them or for them, is what they need most? Maybe I just need to listen?
I’m struck by what I recently read in a book about Facebook under a chapter subheading “Listening to Feedback”. The author alludes that Facebook was invented by a generation who wants to be engaged rather than talked at. Who doesn’t, right? But what’s interesting to me is that this whole Facebook revolution seems to be about something much deeper than whether my “friend” is bummed because she has to go out and shovel snow. Maybe she just wants to be heard and maybe even responded to? Not a literal response necessarily but a response that lets her know that she’s not alone in her dismay of shoveling snow but that others can relate to her situation. Isn’t that what we all need? Just a simple acknowledgment that what we feel, care about or think is worthy of attention and even possibly some feedback.
What would this be like if the church was more open to this kind of acknowledgment and feedback? Instead of sitting in front of some lectern Sunday after Sunday, being preached at about something that usually has much more to do with the pastor’s needs rather than what congregation members may actually need, what if pastors asked a question once in awhile or even better, asked for some kind of feedback? Asked the congregation to engage and respond to what God is actually doing in their lives? Wouldn’t that be a whole different story? Wouldn’t that just automatically encourage listening and responding? And wouldn’t that make a congregation feel heard and affirmed rather than talked at and around?
Maybe the mainline churches who are struggling and losing membership day after day could take a break from the three-point sermon and read a book about Facebook. It’s all laid out pretty plainly and it doesn’t take a divinity degree to decipher it’s meaning. The world seems to be evolving to a deeper place of connectedness and this younger generation is leading the way. They/we may not want to sit on the side lines and listen to “professionals” anymore but may want to engage in the conversations at hand, whatever those might be. And what better way to find out what conversations are going on all around us than to pose a question and ask.

Being for Others Versus Doing for Others

It was an average day at the high school where I work, yet something in me was restless. I was so tired of watching the seniors in my college preparatory class procrastinate around their college applications. This had been going on since September and it was time to do something about it! “It’s December for God’s sake!" was the mantra in my head. “Don’t they know it’s time to get moving!” Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed a piece of paper and went on a “fixing” rampage:
“Kari, you want to study psychology, right?” I probed.
“Yes,” she nodded.
“Well, since you like big city schools and considering a master’s degree, here is the school you need to call. Ask about their counseling, psychology and marriage and therapy programs. I know the school well and believe it’s exactly what you’re looking for,” I said firmly. There, fixed, that felt good, who was next?
“Hey you, Camille!" I yelled over the table dividing us. “You are interested in physical therapy now, right?”
“I guess,” she said hesitantly.
“Well, I’m writing down three schools for you to call this week,” I said confidently. Yes, high five, another one, fixed!
I plowed through three more kids like that and firmly believed I had fixed them all. I was on a role. “Why hadn’t I thought of this before?” I wondered to myself. “Boy, these kids really need me, what would they do without me?” I smiled to myself as I feverishly wrote down my prize-winning recommendations for each and every lucky kid that day.
They all seemed to be looking strangely at me as if I had been withholding information from them. But that didn’t bother me. I knew what these kids needed. They needed to be steered the right way and I was just the resource they had been waiting for to get their college careers on track. “I hope they realize how lucky they are to be placed in my group!” I cooed to myself.
Suddenly, at the far end of my table, I noticed Jordan. “What was he doing here?” I wondered. “I thought he’d been assigned to a different group this year? Plus, he was interested in getting an art degree which was not my area of expertise,”I processed. “I guess I’ll just have to find out for myself,” I mumbled.
“How’s it going?” I yelled over to him. Without saying a word, he just shrugged his shoulders. There seemed to be a kind of vulnerability about him today and it occurred to me that he might not be sitting at my table by accident but for reasons I didn’t quite understand yet. So I decided to pull back a bit on my abruptness and simply fish around:
“Are you still thinking about an art degree?” I asked.
“Nah, not really,” he replied.
“How about journalism? I know you showed some interest in that last year,” I followed up.
“Nah, that just seems like a lot of work and pretty hopeless in this kind of media environment,” he smirked.
Aware of his defensiveness, I realized there might be something else going on here. Since he was at my table and obviously wanting something, I decided to stop trying to figure him out and follow my instincts instead. As I remembered from last year, Jordan could talk non-stop about cooking so I decided to go with that for starters:
“What have you been cooking lately?” I joked.
And that’s when it happened. The smile that used to spread from ear to ear was back. The flood gates burst open and Jordan was no longer giving the cold shoulder but bursting with energy. “Well, I’ve been working on this rice dish. I just love cooking with rice. Give me rice and some herbs and that’s all I need to make a tasty dish!” he exclaimed.
Suddenly, the blood rushed back to his face. His exuberance was palpable. Everyone at the table settled down and looked over at him. His enthusiasm was contagious and we all wanted in on it!
“Wow, Jordan, you sure seem to like cooking!” I mused.
“Yeah, I do! I mean, I’ve loved it all my life. I could do it all day long,” he gushed.
“Well, maybe you could take a year and try culinary school to see if you like it?” I said.
Hesitantly, he mumbled, “I’ve been thinking about it but...”
“But what? You obviously love it,” I replied.
“Thanks,” he smiled.
And that’s all it took. No flashy ideas or infinite wisdom. Just posing a simple question to a complex boy at a time of his choosing. It was both humbling and incredibly graceful to watch. I wish I could get out of my own way more often instead of wasting precious energy on “doing” things for others rather than “being” things for others. Besides, if allowing Jordan space to observe and experience that which he was ready to unfold for himself was all I did all week, than it would be well worth it! I’m sure that %99 percent of the “fixing” I did with the other kids that day most likely went in one ear and out the other. As it should so why even bother!