Being for Others Versus Doing for Others

It was an average day at the high school where I work, yet something in me was restless. I was so tired of watching the seniors in my college preparatory class procrastinate around their college applications. This had been going on since September and it was time to do something about it! “It’s December for God’s sake!" was the mantra in my head. “Don’t they know it’s time to get moving!” Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed a piece of paper and went on a “fixing” rampage:
“Kari, you want to study psychology, right?” I probed.
“Yes,” she nodded.
“Well, since you like big city schools and considering a master’s degree, here is the school you need to call. Ask about their counseling, psychology and marriage and therapy programs. I know the school well and believe it’s exactly what you’re looking for,” I said firmly. There, fixed, that felt good, who was next?
“Hey you, Camille!" I yelled over the table dividing us. “You are interested in physical therapy now, right?”
“I guess,” she said hesitantly.
“Well, I’m writing down three schools for you to call this week,” I said confidently. Yes, high five, another one, fixed!
I plowed through three more kids like that and firmly believed I had fixed them all. I was on a role. “Why hadn’t I thought of this before?” I wondered to myself. “Boy, these kids really need me, what would they do without me?” I smiled to myself as I feverishly wrote down my prize-winning recommendations for each and every lucky kid that day.
They all seemed to be looking strangely at me as if I had been withholding information from them. But that didn’t bother me. I knew what these kids needed. They needed to be steered the right way and I was just the resource they had been waiting for to get their college careers on track. “I hope they realize how lucky they are to be placed in my group!” I cooed to myself.
Suddenly, at the far end of my table, I noticed Jordan. “What was he doing here?” I wondered. “I thought he’d been assigned to a different group this year? Plus, he was interested in getting an art degree which was not my area of expertise,”I processed. “I guess I’ll just have to find out for myself,” I mumbled.
“How’s it going?” I yelled over to him. Without saying a word, he just shrugged his shoulders. There seemed to be a kind of vulnerability about him today and it occurred to me that he might not be sitting at my table by accident but for reasons I didn’t quite understand yet. So I decided to pull back a bit on my abruptness and simply fish around:
“Are you still thinking about an art degree?” I asked.
“Nah, not really,” he replied.
“How about journalism? I know you showed some interest in that last year,” I followed up.
“Nah, that just seems like a lot of work and pretty hopeless in this kind of media environment,” he smirked.
Aware of his defensiveness, I realized there might be something else going on here. Since he was at my table and obviously wanting something, I decided to stop trying to figure him out and follow my instincts instead. As I remembered from last year, Jordan could talk non-stop about cooking so I decided to go with that for starters:
“What have you been cooking lately?” I joked.
And that’s when it happened. The smile that used to spread from ear to ear was back. The flood gates burst open and Jordan was no longer giving the cold shoulder but bursting with energy. “Well, I’ve been working on this rice dish. I just love cooking with rice. Give me rice and some herbs and that’s all I need to make a tasty dish!” he exclaimed.
Suddenly, the blood rushed back to his face. His exuberance was palpable. Everyone at the table settled down and looked over at him. His enthusiasm was contagious and we all wanted in on it!
“Wow, Jordan, you sure seem to like cooking!” I mused.
“Yeah, I do! I mean, I’ve loved it all my life. I could do it all day long,” he gushed.
“Well, maybe you could take a year and try culinary school to see if you like it?” I said.
Hesitantly, he mumbled, “I’ve been thinking about it but...”
“But what? You obviously love it,” I replied.
“Thanks,” he smiled.
And that’s all it took. No flashy ideas or infinite wisdom. Just posing a simple question to a complex boy at a time of his choosing. It was both humbling and incredibly graceful to watch. I wish I could get out of my own way more often instead of wasting precious energy on “doing” things for others rather than “being” things for others. Besides, if allowing Jordan space to observe and experience that which he was ready to unfold for himself was all I did all week, than it would be well worth it! I’m sure that %99 percent of the “fixing” I did with the other kids that day most likely went in one ear and out the other. As it should so why even bother!