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Intentionality, Not Always a Slam Dunk!

Image via WikipediaA dear friend and I started  playing tennis again.  Well, not actually playing, mostly just hitting back and forth.  We both found competitive tennis extremely stressful in our youth but now find the mantra-like sound of hitting from one baseline to the next, very soothing.

During one of these healing sessions, we decided to become more intentional about the next phase in our lives.  Both facing lots of transition in our family lives, we decided to focus on our work instead.  We decided to be specific with the universe about where we saw our work lives heading in the next couple months.  We witnessed each others intentions and continued to play, hoping for the best.

Fast forward, two weeks.  My friend landed the job of her dreams and I ended up breaking my ankle!   My friend’s new job would be walking distance from her home, cutting her previous commute  from 45 min. each way to almost nothing, not only saving her money on gas but significantly limiting her miles on her newly leased car.  I, on the other hand, was put in a cast for 4 weeks and told I couldn’t drive for at least 7 weeks!

So what does this all mean?  I don’t know but what I do know is that intentionality is not necessarily congruent to wishful thinking.  Being intentional about something is basically letting the universe know of your desires but how you are guided to those desires may be a completely different story. 

For my friend, her desire seemed to be in complete alignment with her wishes.  For me, however, a detour was necessary in getting in touch with that desire.  The detour being, a long immobilization that kept me from doing much of anything.  Nothing, except reflecting and listening that is.  Reflecting upon some old wounds that were still standing in my way of  reaching my dreams.  Listening to the pain and acknowledging its continued grip on my life.  And finally, taking the time that was necessary to release and heal that pain.

So if intentionality is something you want to experiment with, be sure you are ready for some surprises along the way.  You might get a slam dunk on the first try or find you have some obstacles to overcome.  Whatever you decide to put out into the universe, however, know that if it’s truly your heart’s desire, it will come to you one way or another!

What is Is-ness?

Image via WikipediaWhat is isness?  Some may call it being in the moment.  Others may say it’s about  presence or paying attention.  And some may even see it as grace.  Whatever your take on it,  isness seems to resonate with a group of twenty-something year olds I know.   

How we came to this term and it’s meaning was an interesting journey in itself.  Apparently, the term is used in the book: The Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.   After starting this spiritual direction group for twenty-something year olds, I thought we should come up with a term for a higher power that resonated for us all.  This term did not come from our heads but only after some internal mining did we discover that our hearts were aligning with it.  It was an awesome discovery, really, because we all knew that we didn’t choose isness but rather it chose us.

Why isness?   I don’t know, but then again, a lot of things aren’t making much sense these days.  A creative shift seems to happening in our world today.  A renaissance of sorts.  Old structures are coming down and new ones are in flux. What these new structures will look like or how they will formulate is still a mystery yet the twenty-something, social networking generation seems to be leading the way.  Some say, they lack structure completely but I disagree.  I think they have a structure but it’s much more subtle and internalized. 

So what is going to happen when all these huge, institutional, mid-evil-like structures come down around us as we shift into a new era?  I’m not sure but I am confidant that this twenty-something generation have a lot to teach us.  They are more about balance.  They choose “to have a life” over just working until they die.  They seem to choose experience over just about everything else.  Don’t tell them what to do because they need to experience it for themselves first.  Don’t tell them they have to stick with a meaningless 9-5 job because they really don’t see the point. 

So what is isness as it pertains to the world today?  I guess it’s up to each one of us to decide.  Whatever it is, however, it’s safe to say that if you ask a twenty-something year old about it, he/she will know exactly what you mean but will allow you the space to figure it out for yourself.

If you are twenty-something and have some wisdom to share, please comment below!

What the World Needs Now is More Bieber Fever!

Image via WikipediaI am the first to complain about television programming for teens.  I can barely stand it!   Shows where the parents and teachers are depicted as complete morons or where the parents don’t even exist yet somehow the kids live in a downtown loft and wear designer clothes is so beyond reality that I begin to wonder if my kids will ever want to work.  And why should they?  Everything they see in the media today is about slacking off, doing nothing yet living off the manna that somehow magically sustains their “have it all” life style.

So, how my daughter talked me into watching the Justin Bieber movie Never Say Never with her, I’ll never know.  I suppose being asked to do anything with my fourteen year old daughter is an opportunity I didn’t want to miss, besides I was curious about all the hype surrounding this child star.  I assumed he was just another Disney formulated star but boy was I wrong!

First of all, the kid isn’t even American, he’s Canadian.  Second, he comes from nothing and actually has talent.  Yes, it’s true!  The movie brought me to tears on several occasions as his single, teen-aged mom and supportive grand parents just shrug their shoulders in disbelief as this child continues to rise to super stardom via his own will and hard work.  It was obvious that they never pushed or dangled him in front of anyone, just stood by him as he made his own way.  I admit, the kid is contagious!   It’s hard not to want him to succeed because all he wants to do is sing and perform and bring joy to his fans.

Not only that, but the movie shows him on tour where he actually damages his vocal chords and has to sit out a few concerts which pains him because he hates to let down his fans.  Who is this kid, and why don’t we have politicians like this who give it their all just for the joy of it?  In fact, some people from Justin’s crew are shown walking through neighborhoods giving away front row tickets to hysterical teenaged girls.  The tour manager even comments that this is his favorite part of the job!   What is going on here?  Is this some kind of “feel good” movement?  Perhap?

Well, whatever it is, I’m all for it!   The cynical side of me believes that it will take a whole lot of Justin Bieber’s to make a difference in our world today but at the rate this kid is going, all he has to do is keep doing what he loves and the rest will follow.  A child who came from nothing, doing what he loves and changing the social landscape of a world that has forgotten for the moment that joy begets joy?   Sounds like a familiar story and not one to be underestimated so if you get a chance to watch Never Say Never with your kids, do it!   Who knows, if enough of us see it, we might become part of the fever too!

There’s a creative change in the air.  Some call it The Shift others see it as a renaissance.  How do you see it?  And what are you doing to support and encourage it in yourself, others and the world around you?  Please share.

A Good Kind of Tired

Image via WikipediaThis past weekend, my family and I had the pleasure of what Minnesotan’s lovingly call, “going up north!” Essentially, it means communing with nature either on the north shore of Lake Superior or in the North woods/Lakes area.   It is also understood that what you experience up there is a profound secret only relevant to those who truly “get it!” 

Like most things Minnesotan, the northern part of the state is home to many BIG things.  Lake Superior is astoundingly dark, wide and deep while the trees surrounding the area tower over you everywhere you look.  Instantly becoming very small and insignificant, it’s not unusual to feel like you’ve been gone a week when in fact, you only went up for the weekend.

There is also a tendency to sleep really well when traveling up yonder.  You not only sleep a good long time but deeply which is saying a lot when slumbering on cabin mattresses!  I guess, it has something to do with how small I feel when enveloped in such majestic surroundings.  I tend to become unobtrusive in a way that makes me grateful and relieved all at the same time.  Grateful that there is so much beauty around me and relieved that I have no power to do anything about it except admire it.

It is truly a gift to be surrounded with so much significance and to realize that so much is possible whether I’m in control of it or not.  I guess that is why I sleep so well when northern bound.  A peacefulness that a child might feel while all the big people take care of it.  Such a cathartic release of stress that makes it possible for me to just rest and relax while this great big world goes on and on for miles and miles around me.  A good kind of tired, the kind that invites me into a deep slumber only to awaken to the same beautiful surroundings that were there before my arrival and will surely continue to be there long after my departure.

How about you?  Is there something in your life right now that begs surrender?  Perhaps circumstances beyond your control?  What would happen if you simply let it go?

My Dog, My Rock and Even My Clock!

I’m not big on schedules and structures, though I would like to be.  I admire those who create their own schedules and stick to them as well as those who accept institutional structures that tell them where to be, what to do, when to show up and how long to stay.  I, on the other hand, am one of those people who is often held hostage by my artistic temperament.  In fact, I can quickly become resentful of any person or institution that tells me what to do or when to do it. 
    Now most households are reflective of those who inhabit them so how my dog became so schedule obsessed is beyond me!  Creature of habit?  No way!   If our dog were human, he’d be OCD.  Not only does he not eat after 7:00 p.m. but will go directly to his kennel the minute he hears my blow dryer go off in the morning.  It doesn’t matter if I’m staying home or going out, once he hears that whistle of hot air blowing, he’s in the kennel for the rest of the day whether I close his door or not.  The same with movies.  Once those credits start rolling, off he goes, it’s time for bed.
   How he got this way, I’m not sure?  I suspect that he is in a time warp and trying to reconcile that my husband never actually chose him in the first place.  It’s true!   My kids and I put him on hold at the Humane Society on Christmas Eve Day, 2002 because we had nothing better to do.  To our surprise, lots of dogs were available that day.  Apparently we weren’t privy to what the rest of the world knows about staying away from the pound on holidays that encourage loneliness and gift-giving!   Bad combination for a family still mourning their last pet.
    Upon putting our dog on hold, I at least had enough sense to call my husband and ask him to stop by on his way home from Christmas shopping to give him a look see.  Thinking he was home free after two years of being pet free, my husband begrudgingly went to see this dog to find out what all the fuss was about.  To my surprise, he called me from his cell phone excited and thrilled to be playing with such an agile and receptive companion. “Yes!” he shouted.  “This is a great dog!”
    Ten minutes later, an apologetic volunteer called to tell me that the dog my husband was shown was not actually the dog I had put on hold but a different dog, a dog that was no longer available for adoption.  And so, I broke the news to my husband and that was that.  The dog my kids and I fell in love with that morning was the dog that was coming home with us and the dog my husband fell in love with is the dog that was going home with someone else.
    I’m not sure, but I think our dog instinctually knows that he wasn’t necessarily our family’s first choice and tries to make up for it by staying overly obedient to a self-imposed restrictive schedule.  What he may not know, however, is that he provides the stability that every family needs.  You can set the clock by him.  Like the changing of the seasons or trusting the mail carrier will deliver six days a week, rain or shine, our dog is nothing if not dependable.  Plus, my kids always know exactly where to find him at any given time and that alone is trust incarnate.  I only wish our dog truly understood what a gift he has been to a family who is and may always be structure-impaired.
    How about you?  What in your life can you trust or count on?  What does that mean to you?
   

Being on the Road Again

This past week, I found myself on the road again.  My family and I took  an emergency road trip to my husband’s home town. Though, not a pleasant reason to travel, I suddenly remembered how much I like the actual process of traveling.

When I was a kid, we traveled a lot.  My parents being from the Czech Republic, we went to Europe often.  We also moved a bunch, four new houses in three different states by the time I was ten! 

Though, hectic at times, I learned to enjoy the process of going from one place to another.  I wasn’t always thrilled about the destinations but I sure did like getting there.  The plane trips  were filled with people watching, making camp in foreign airports and being immersed in different cultures, languages and smells.

Moving from one state to the next, I became an expert real estate agent at a very young age.  My parents would share the real estate pages with me, some general pricing guidelines and off I would go, circling homes and starring the ones I really wanted to see.

All this travel brought an education all its own but nothing compares to the meditative state I have come to appreciate during a road trip.  As a kid, traveling west in the backseat of the family truckster was not that enjoyable but once I got old enough to drive, everything changed!

As a teen-ager, it was all about the radio.  Listening to tunes and heading somewhere, anywhere, back and forth from college with a car load of friends, just the ticket!   As I got older, my husband and I would travel to see each other and then eventually settle down together in a brand new state, unknown to either one of us.

Most recently, I find, I like nothing more than the open road, me behind the wheel and utter silence.  It allows  me the time to catch up with myself.  Everything I haven’t had time to think about or process just waiting in the wings ready to unfold.  It’s a kind of unraveling of ideas, thoughts and impressions.  Nothing too heavy, just me and myself having a chat of sorts. 

One thing, however, has remained constant in all the years I’ve been on the road.  I never forget to be grateful for the home I have at the moment.  This particular home I’ve had for almost 20 years but it makes no difference because if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned that a home is not a place or destination but a sense of being.

How about you?  Where or when do you feel most at home, connected or grateful?  Is there a connection between your outside and inside home?   How so?

More Freedom for the Material Girl

Image via WikipediaIt’s become more and more apparent to me that I’m a child of the 80's.  I may have been born in the late 60's but my high school and college years spanned the full spectrum, 1981-1989.  Not only do I remember the Reagan years as the “all about me” years but I can hear just about any 80's tune and know precisely where I was and who I was hanging out with at the time of it’s release.

Now, I don’t think this makes me a pop junkie necessarily but it does tell me about who I was then and who I am becoming now.  So much of the 80's was about image and I mean big time!  We had big hair, big boots, big earrings and big wallets full of money.  Not only did we waste a whole lot of time at the Mall, we worked there too!  

It really was “all about us” but then again, who were we really?  My favorite song of all times and one that puts the 80's into perspective for me is the single “Freedom  ‘90  by George Michael.  Getting his star status in the band “Wham ”, he seems to magnify all that was good and not so good about the 80's.   He, along with the rest of us, were big and loud and lots of fun!   We had to be, it was the 80's for God’s sake!

What this song did for me and perhaps for him as well was help me come down a notch.  Dressing me down from the larger than life appeal of the 80's to a much more real and vulnerable me of the 90's and beyond.  We, and by that I mean Michael and I, seemed to be transitioning at the same time and like many songs in my life “Freedom  ‘90  became more of a symbol rather than a song.

Heaven knows I was just a young boy, didn’t know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl’s pride and joy and I guess it was enough for me
To win the race?  A prettier face  Brand new clothes and a big fat place
on your rock and roll TV.  But today the way I play the game is not the same no way
Think I’m gonna get myself happy

And so it goes, a swan song for Michael in many ways (he never released another hit single after that song) and for me, the beginning of a long journey to finding me.

I think there’s something you should know, I think it’s time I stopped the show
There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame, don’t think that I’ll be back again
I just hope you understand, sometimes the clothes do not make the man

Yes, the 80's exemplified all the facades that one creates in order to fit in and cope with all the demands of growing up and boy did the 80's demand the biggest of egos!   It was all about success and the bigger the better, as I remember.  What happened after that, I don’t really remember.  All I know is that the bigness of things began to shrink and the normalcy of life began to change and I found myself finding more and more freedom along the way. 

Losing the bling has been life-giving and not so easy when you’re a material girl from the 80's!   Why some choose to do it and others don’t is a mystery in itself.  I guess, it’s not as easy as it sounds and what I’ve read about Michael’s life lately, it isn’t something to take lightly either.  Even so, Michael seemed to have the best intentions at the time: “All we have to do now, is take these lies and make them true somehow.”
How about you?  What kind of bling do you still carry around?  What untruths might you still be holding dear?  Do your clothes still make you who you really are or is it time to get yourself happy?

Do it Anyway!

There’s a strange saying going around my house.  Perhaps you may have heard it too?  It sounds a bit whiny and even nasal at times.  It's often followed by a gasp, annoyed intonation or a rolling of the eyes.  Yes, you guessed it, it sounds like this:  “But I don’t feel like it! ” 

This exacerbated adolescent response to just about anything from picking up socks, feeding the dog, taking out the garbage or doing homework seems to be a staple for today’s teenager.  Similar to the “terrible two’s” when every request is followed by an accentuated “No! ” yet strangely unattractive coming from an over-sized child.  Not sure how this happened, but very sure that “not feeling like it” is an epidemic amongst kids this age who, for one reason or another, want “to feel” rather than “do!” 

My friend, whose ancestors come from Ghana and who was raised in England, is quite baffled by the typical American teenager.  This high emotional intelligence seems to trump all other things, especially anything requiring the least bit of effort.  Why these same kids who are quick to diagnose fellow students with “anger issues” or “ADD/ADHD” or “depression” but can’t get a simple task done without “feeling like it” first, is a mystery to me!

Don’t get me wrong, emotional intelligence is important, and has certainly come a long way since I was a teenager, but then again, I had a job in high school!  In fact, my friend and I had a monopoly on babysitting jobs in our neighborhood and were busy every Saturday night from the age of 12 whether we liked it or not!

I wonder if the pendulum swing has swung a bit too far and allowed emotions to override that which quite simply, just needs to be done.  Maybe I’m giving my kids too much room to emote and not enough room to just do?  Or maybe, I just need to continue saying that which comes naturally these days: “You don’t always have to feel like it, sometimes you just need to do it!” 

I use this quite a bit with my high school students and now that we are coming to the end of the year, I’m making some headway.  One of my students just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he had to fill out a “stupid form” for me in order to get a grade.  For some reason, he thought that if he “didn’t feel like it,” he didn’t have to do it.  After eight months of repeating the same message that he didn’t actually have to feel like doing it in order to get it done, I made a connection!

Somehow, someway, the message got through that filling out a form wasn’t rocket science but simply an activity that allowed me to grade his work and in reality had very little to do with feelings at all.  Now, this extremely bright student is getting the “A” he deserves and I’m getting the satisfaction of seeing him master something other than his knowledge of how he might be “feeling” about something at any given time. 

Now, whether picking up his socks at home is still determined by his feelings, I don’t know, but at least he has the tools now to master that too whether he’s feeling like it or not!
How about you?  Do you ever keep yourself from doing something that needs to be done because you don’t feel inspired?  Maybe just do it and reward yourself later.  Maybe inspiration will follow?

Let Your Body Choose Today's Exercise

I don’t like to exercise!  I mean, the thought of intentionally moving my body is so unappealing that I’d rather just forget the whole thing.  As a youngster, I was quite athletic.  In fact, in high school,  I made the varsity tennis team as an incoming freshman!  I guess, now, left to my own devices, I’d just much rather write at my computer or read a book. 

Luckily, my metabolism has cooperated most of my life so I’ve gotten away with sitting around much longer than some.  Unfortunately, however, I’m becoming painfully aware that my metabolism is changing and that having some kind of a daily exercise routine is definitely in order.

Walking the dog has been helpful but not nearly enough.  I even live in a  neighborhood with parkways and green ways that is very conducive to outdoor living, yet I seem to walk my dog just long enough to recognize a neighbor and chat for 15 - 20 minutes.  My dog being old doesn’t help much because he’s usually ready to turn around and go home as soon as I’m done talking too!

My husband and I had bicycles until they were stolen from our garage.  After the second time, we gave up and replaced them with scooters.  Harder to steal and much more fun to ride.

Not wanting to waste time traveling to a gym, changing, showering, etc, I decided I’d rather not have to leave the house to exercise if at all possible.  And that’s when I discovered FIT TV on my cable.  They broadcast a variety of exercise programs that run in ½ hour or one hour segments and include anything from yoga to aerobics to belly dancing.  I find this system fits me because I simply tape an exercise program that appeals to me, work out with it and then decide if I want to keep it on file or not.  If yes, it gets logged into my DVR file and I can return to it whenever want.  If not, I erase it, never to be bothered with it again!

What I’ve discovered, over the past few months, is that my body seems to know what work out I need and when.  Instead of looking at the list of workouts I’ve recorded and over-thinking things, I just let my body decide.  Not knowing what workout my body will choose and when, is a bit thrilling, I admit.  Sometimes it chooses something expected and other times, it chooses something unexpected and I just go with it anyway!
How my body knows what exercise it needs is a mystery.  All I know is that it gives me great pleasure and relief to know that my body is in control of it’s own health. I don’t have to over think it or feel guilty about not doing what I think my body wants me to do or what I think I’m supposed to do.  It just simply knows and I just simply listen.

How about you?  What does your body need today?  More rest, more exercise, less stress?  What can you do for your body today without thinking about it too much?  Just ask it, you might be surprised at what is tells you!

Readjustment Bureau

Saw the movie Adjustment Bureau and liked it a lot!  It made me think about all the times I forced myself to do something or accomplish something without my heart being truly in it.  Like the many sales jobs I’ve had over the years and just didn’t believe in the product.  It didn’t matter how much team building I did or how many product showcase events I attended, if I didn’t care, I just couldn’t sell it!
    A similar epiphany occurs to the main character of this movie, played by Matt Damon, who is on the road to a successful presidential bid when he discovers his true love, played by Emily Blunt.  Also on the road to a successful future as a dancer/choreographer, she is suddenly awakened to a new side of herself.  Both freaked out by what this love might mean for their futures, they find themselves moving from a semi-rewarding unconscious life to a conscious life that brings them both passion and havoc.
     Paying and attention to the many twists and turns their lives have taken since they met, they discover that their predestined life of fame and fortune is not exactly what they desired after all.  Why choose the messy life over an accomplished life?  I guess that is the question the movie leaves up to the audience?
    For me, it’s a question of paying attention to when my head and heart are disconnected in any given situation and making a course adjustment.  This kind of realignment may beg the question: “What do I need today to make my life fruitful?”  I find that sometimes going through the motions is exactly what I need to do because it keeps me on track toward my more desirable life which has to do with staying connected to my family, friends and keeping everyday life enjoyable. 
    Not too interested in accomplishments but rather in who I am becoming, some days the process may entail buying groceries, driving the kids around and doing the laundry.  Other days, it might include creative projects, outreach and making intentional connections.  Whatever the case, I find that life is much more rich when I’m present to it rather than just trying to control or striving for a successful outcome.  Process over product.
    How about you?  When do you find yourself striving rather than living?  Seeking out the ends without being present to the means?  And finally, when do your thoughts of “what could be” get in the way of “what is happening right now”?

Listening to Tears

Last weekend marked the end of yet another season of basketball for my daughter.  An unusually demanding season, I still found myself looking forward to not just watching her play but to cheer and gab with other parents.  It started out as any other season except that I seemed much more emotionally involved regarding the outcome of each game.  Not a competitive person by nature, I had my share of competitive tennis growing up.  I remember enjoying the mantra of hitting and receiving the ball on my racquet but very little interest in winning, or so I thought.
    Continuing to pay attention and listening to my unusual reactions throughout this season, I have come to realize that my own fear of losing far outweighed my desire to win.  I know this because over the past few months, I’ve watched my daughter handle winning and losing in a most remarkable way.  Venting about “bad refs” and shedding some tears upon each loss, I’ve observed my daughter bounce back beautifully from game to game.  Winning, as much fun as it can be, mostly comprised of her shelving a trophy or getting a new t-shirt.  She always seemed more interested in the process of going to practice, learning new skills and being with her team mates.  This is not the way I learned to do things, not at all!
    So it became immensely cathartic for me when my daughter’s team lost in the third round of the state tournament by one point.  My sudden intense wave of tears was not about her losing or even about an end to a wonderful season, it was about old memories that needed healing.  I found myself absolutely traumatized when her team lost their 3 point lead in the remaining 45 seconds of the game.  I could barely breathe much less speak.  I was in a kind of mind numbing abyss and just wanted to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep.  I was absolutely devastated and there was nothing I could do about it, so I didn’t.
    Pulling myself up from the bench, I somehow made it over to the other parents who were all huddled around the coaches and the team.  Not looking much better than me, we all stood in shock as the coach talked the girls down and reminded them of all the wonderful things they had learned this year and how proud he was of each and every one of them.  Overwhelmed with emotion, I looked over at my daughter who was sitting against the wall looking down at her feet.  A few tears rolling down her cheek, she got up, put on her shooting shirt and grabbed a couple team mates to go get something to eat from the snack stand.  And that was that! 
    Afterward, some of us parents gathered around and hugged.  It was tough on us, it really was!  I came to realize, however, that my tears had very little to do with the girls losing that day and everything about me healing some of my own painful losses.  Still tired and frazzled, we took the team to lunch and watched them bounce back as they laughed and enjoyed each other.  I, on the other hand, was exhausted and took a nap on the way home.  It was a long day for me and rightfully so, I had been holding in a lot of pain for a very long time and today was the relief I had been waiting for.
    How about you?  Do you ever find yourself overreacting to a situation that has little or nothing to do with you?  Maybe you too are being invited to heal the wounds of the past by being present to the tears of today? 
   

Create Your Own Beatitudes

Last Friday, I attended something called the Spiritual Spa at the Carondelet Center in St. Paul.  I was hoping to get some time to just relax, draw, journal, whatever.  I ended up getting some of that and so much more   Before lunch, we, the Spiritual Spa participants, were invited to collect ourselves in a room for a directed meditation by a nun from the Center.  She told us about her idea of dusting off the old Beatitudes in the Bible and making them her own.

She said that by reading the newspaper one day, she came up with the idea that she could write her own Beatitudes by going through the Sunday paper.  She found it very telling about what she herself was needing to heal as she noticed those things that attracted her attention on the page.  So she read her list:

“Blessed are those who are hungry, for they shall find all the nourishment they need”
“Blessed are those who are homeless, for they shall find shelter”

Then she asked us to take some time and do the same.  No newspaper in hand, we were asked to just think about the things going on in the world and to focus on those things that grab our attention.  And so I wrote:

“Blessed are those who are objectified, for they shall be known as the people of God”
“Blessed are those who are scared, for they shall no longer know fear”

Before, I knew it, I had written 1 ½ pages   And then we were asked to look at the Beatitudes we had written and reflect on what they said about our own lives.  What a gift    Not only do I see the Beatitudes in a new way, a way that I can actually use, but I will never look at a newspaper the same way again.

How about you?  What would you write for your own Beatitudes?  What does it say about your own life?  Might God be nudging you toward healing and grace in those very same places?

Ten Ways to Get Teens to Help Out

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Ten Steps in Creating a Personal Mandala

Ten Steps in Creating a Personal Mandala

Joy versus Happiness

You know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” right? It’s one of those pieces of wisdom that sticks to a refrigerator magnet for years before you actually understand it from a gut level and make it your own. My mother-in-law has a plague on her kitchen wall that reads: “Grandchildren are God’s gift for not killing your own children”. I look forward to benefiting from that nugget of wisdom too someday.
Taking pride in mistakes and failures is not something that comes naturally in our culture. In fact, it’s almost impossible unless you intentionally seek it’s wisdom. In some cultures, battle scars are seen as a badge of honor and character builders. Here, however, it’s more about success and perfection, finding that ultimate high without actually doing any of the work.
Sometimes, I wonder, if we aren’t confused between “joy” and “happiness”? Joy being something I participate in actively rather than an illusion I think about? Joy, something that resonates throughout my body versus some utopia that only resides in my imagination? Joy, not a fleeting thought or goal but something I lean into, giving my life meaning, authenticity and overall effectiveness?
To me, this is the difference and for me this difference became blatantly apparent the other night when my teenagers were late to a social event. Actually, I got them there on time but the line from the door was so long that my kids were asked to leave. I guess a lot of teens were out looking for a good time that night and only a select few were going to get a chance to experience it. And so the drama ensued.
Heads down, lips a quiver, my girls slogged back to the car in a deeply entrenched funk. The kind of funk that ingrains itself into the very cells of a hormonal teenager and makes the car ride home from the overflow parking lot a living hell! No where to be, no where to run, I suddenly realized that this might be a character building moment. A moment in time that only comes around once in awhile, well maybe more than once in awhile but certainly a moment that got my attention, yes, a real teachable moment! Indeed it was a teachable moment, yet, for some reason, I couldn’t figure out what the lesson might be.
The mood in the car was so heavy, I felt the wheels grinding and dragging beneath us, and still, nothing was coming to me. And then it hit me! Pain! Yes, my kids were feeling something foreign and even alien-like but I truly believe that what they were feeling was actual pain! As soon as I realized what was I happening I went on full alert. I would not let this opportunity escape, no way, I was on a mission and there was no way I was going to allow them to avoid it, deny it, rationalize it or simply jump to the next form of entertainment.
First thing I did was get myself out of the way, and fast! I was not going to sugar coat things or figure out a way to make them feel better, I was just going to allow them the space and time to feel miserable. It was wonderful! One got mouthy and tried to blame the ruined evening on me and my slow driving but I wouldn’t allow it. Consequences dear, “no allowance this week!”
Next, the other one tried to escape the pain and pick a fight with her sister, again, no go, “both of you to your rooms, no electronics,” I was on a roll! Finally after an hour or so of creative maneuvering, my girls gave up. They were done. It just wasn’t worth it to them anymore. They were spent.
The pain had subsided and they had made it through. Surprisingly, not damaged but hopefully deepened, my girls had prevailed through the rocky terrain of pain. I was proud of them. I was proud of me. Most of all, I was grateful for their experience.
Later that night, I heard them laughing with each other over nothing in particular, it was really quite amazing. Was it joy or happiness, I’m not sure? Whatever it was, it sounded hearty and full of life and certainly welcome at our house anytime!

Balancing Parenthood, Chinese-American Style!

I’ve had interesting discussions lately about the Chinese culture and how it compares to our own. First, a high school teacher and I approached our students by comparing and contrasting the education systems within the two countries. Our students seemed taken aback as we discussed how China has a tendency to lean toward “effort” versus some kind of innate intelligence or “giftedness” or privilege. Since an earlier group of students didn’t know who won the Civil War in our country, I thought this was a good topic to talk about. Overall, the students seemed interested in learning about China’s high expectations regarding effort but didn’t seem to make a connection to how this might relate to them or why they would concern themselves with working at subjects that don’t interest them or add to the high profit margin they expect to accrue when they fall into that great career!
Second, Amy Chua’s article about Chinese mothering and David Brook’s response has added to the growing disconnect between us and them. I call this a “disconnect” because I believe both cultures have a lot to offer one another and wonder when we might start finding common ground? Without repeating language such as “superior” or “wimp” to express my likes or dislikes of what each culture stands for, I wonder if maybe they are both right?
In a nutshell, China is more community oriented and the U.S.A. is more individualistic. Having completely opposite economic policies has surely contributed to our vast differences but maybe our two countries have come to this current juncture for a reason? Maybe we have gone to such extremes away from one another that there is no other way but to back track? Maybe in the big scheme, we are cosmically being invited to take a serious look at each other and pay attention to those things that are already working over there and invite them to do the same?
I realize, however, I don’t have control over the top government officials of these two countries but I wonder what is being asked of me as a parent and what I can control in my own house? Maybe I can start by focusing on my children’s efforts? Maybe I can take the heat or maybe even some pride in being “the meanest parent in the world” and calling a “time out” on all electronics while they sit and read? Maybe, I can enforce the expectation that they complete all homework assignments as well as some intentional reading time before engaging in social activities? And maybe, I can instill in them the desire to work towards something they want, a gift, I might add, that will keep on giving their whole lives long.
Whether Chinese households are having similar discussions in their classrooms and living rooms about how the U.S. values relational skills, experiences and connections as a way to wholeness remains to be seen as China and the U.S. attempt to work together in the coming years. I do think that the U.S. may have a bigger battle ahead of them, however, because as any teacher will tell you, it’s much easier to loosen up after being strict and rigid but it’s much harder to reel in the reigns when things get too loose and open.
What do you think? Where do you see the invitation in Chinese and U.S. relations? What can you do in your own house to balance structure with openness and acceptance?

Where is the Connective Flow?

With so many things shifting in our world today, it’s hard not to get carried away with political rhetoric, fear, anxiety, etc. So often, in times such as these, it’s easy to just want to control your own little piece of the world and micro-manage all that comes in contact with it. That’s how it’s been for me lately.
Luckily, however, I’m in consistent contact with people who try to “listen” rather than just react to the energy around them. They help me notice and pay attention to what is going on with me both externally and internally. This is not an easy task to do all by myself, believe me I know! Much of my life, I have struggled with doing everything for and by myself. It rarely occurred to me that I could actually ask for help unless I was immobilized with illness and even then, I would try to do as much as I could without ever asking anyone for anything. Without going into deep analysis as to why I thought I had to do everything for myself, I am now grateful to know people who help me listen and guide me toward acting from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.
They help me stay in touch with the life source within me that never lets me down and is always ready and willing to help me out with anything I need. This has been a great source of comfort for me because it makes me realize that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to figure everything out for myself.
How do I do this listening thing? I’m not exactly sure but what I do know is that a lot of it has to do with “questioning.” For instance, I have spent the last few months learning the ins and outs of social media networking. I’ve really enjoyed it and have found it to be quite life-giving. I know this because it seems to give me energy instead of draining it from me. I guess you could say it “fills my well” for the time being at least.
Now, the interesting part is that I have been getting all kinds of encouragement from the external world around this new endeavor of mine and wonder if there isn’t a bigger connection being made for me here? Why is it that people are calling me for advice on social media issues? Why is it that opportunities are presenting themselves all around me via this context and I have done very little to encourage them? "What’s going on here" I wonder?
And that is how it begins. I wonder and I wonder some more. Then, I listen and listen some more. I find those who are encouraging of my listening and I ask them to listen with me until we find a “next step” or a movement that coincides with the connection I’ve made both internally and externally. It’s an amazing process and if done with humility and grace, incredibly fruitful! And the best part is that it’s something I will never have to do alone again.
So reader, how do you listen? How do you take a step back and observe what may be going on both inside of you and outside of you? Are there any connections? Is there a place where you tap into an abundant well? Maybe that is where the energy is and maybe that is where you will find your “next step” without disrupting the flow?

Black Swan: Grounding Through Dance

I went to see “Black Swan” with a friend over the holiday weekend. It was definitely as creepy as I thought it would be, yet surprisingly beautiful at the same time. A “Psychological Thriller,” maybe? A movie about the often bumpy road toward transformation, definitely!
Putting aside all the gore and psychotic, dream-like sequences, I was mostly moved by the main character’s desire to dance. This unwavering commitment to an art form that has the ability to transcend all of life’s hardships was truly something to behold. Her passion for graceful movement had a kind of life grip to it that made it easy to see that it was the main thing that kept her going. When stripped down to it’s bare bones, their really wasn’t anything else in this girl’s life that could remotely get her through the challenge she was being forced to undertake. It was the one thing that kept her human when everything else was crumbling around her. The one thing she held on to during a process that could have easily lead her astray. A kind of touchstone that kept her on course in the darkness of the unknown.
Looking at my own life, I wonder what is the current touchstone for me? During my thirties it was definitely my kids. Nothing seemed more important than meeting their daily needs. As they got older, I realized that they not only counted on me for stability but that I was counting on them as well. As I watched them watch me, I too began to get a new perspective on who I was to them and who I was to myself. They acted as my little mirrors and kept me humble and motivated to change that in me that was no longer useful or helpful.
Most recently, my touch stone has become writing. To bring that which floats around in my head all day down to a place that makes sense to my everyday life. Resembling a loop, I bring my outer experiences to a place of self-examination and then reconcile it in a way that makes sense to me and hopefully others. No longer separate, my desire is to both transcend and ground that which brings wholeness to myself and those around me.
For my husband, this centrifugal force seems to be music. It seems to “fill his well,” so to speak. He can put up with his day job as long as he has his music to keep him transcending that which can easily become mundane and life-sucking. Call it his “passion” or “reason for being,” I am grateful that he has learned to honor that which keeps him most vital and alive.
I guess this is how it is for most of us? Finding that one thing which transforms the extraordinary into the ordinary of daily living. That thing that keeps it real, down-to-earth and out of the intertwining clouds of thought. What is this for you reader? We’d like to hear.