Ten Steps in Creating a Personal Mandala

Ten Steps in Creating a Personal Mandala

Joy versus Happiness

You know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” right? It’s one of those pieces of wisdom that sticks to a refrigerator magnet for years before you actually understand it from a gut level and make it your own. My mother-in-law has a plague on her kitchen wall that reads: “Grandchildren are God’s gift for not killing your own children”. I look forward to benefiting from that nugget of wisdom too someday.
Taking pride in mistakes and failures is not something that comes naturally in our culture. In fact, it’s almost impossible unless you intentionally seek it’s wisdom. In some cultures, battle scars are seen as a badge of honor and character builders. Here, however, it’s more about success and perfection, finding that ultimate high without actually doing any of the work.
Sometimes, I wonder, if we aren’t confused between “joy” and “happiness”? Joy being something I participate in actively rather than an illusion I think about? Joy, something that resonates throughout my body versus some utopia that only resides in my imagination? Joy, not a fleeting thought or goal but something I lean into, giving my life meaning, authenticity and overall effectiveness?
To me, this is the difference and for me this difference became blatantly apparent the other night when my teenagers were late to a social event. Actually, I got them there on time but the line from the door was so long that my kids were asked to leave. I guess a lot of teens were out looking for a good time that night and only a select few were going to get a chance to experience it. And so the drama ensued.
Heads down, lips a quiver, my girls slogged back to the car in a deeply entrenched funk. The kind of funk that ingrains itself into the very cells of a hormonal teenager and makes the car ride home from the overflow parking lot a living hell! No where to be, no where to run, I suddenly realized that this might be a character building moment. A moment in time that only comes around once in awhile, well maybe more than once in awhile but certainly a moment that got my attention, yes, a real teachable moment! Indeed it was a teachable moment, yet, for some reason, I couldn’t figure out what the lesson might be.
The mood in the car was so heavy, I felt the wheels grinding and dragging beneath us, and still, nothing was coming to me. And then it hit me! Pain! Yes, my kids were feeling something foreign and even alien-like but I truly believe that what they were feeling was actual pain! As soon as I realized what was I happening I went on full alert. I would not let this opportunity escape, no way, I was on a mission and there was no way I was going to allow them to avoid it, deny it, rationalize it or simply jump to the next form of entertainment.
First thing I did was get myself out of the way, and fast! I was not going to sugar coat things or figure out a way to make them feel better, I was just going to allow them the space and time to feel miserable. It was wonderful! One got mouthy and tried to blame the ruined evening on me and my slow driving but I wouldn’t allow it. Consequences dear, “no allowance this week!”
Next, the other one tried to escape the pain and pick a fight with her sister, again, no go, “both of you to your rooms, no electronics,” I was on a roll! Finally after an hour or so of creative maneuvering, my girls gave up. They were done. It just wasn’t worth it to them anymore. They were spent.
The pain had subsided and they had made it through. Surprisingly, not damaged but hopefully deepened, my girls had prevailed through the rocky terrain of pain. I was proud of them. I was proud of me. Most of all, I was grateful for their experience.
Later that night, I heard them laughing with each other over nothing in particular, it was really quite amazing. Was it joy or happiness, I’m not sure? Whatever it was, it sounded hearty and full of life and certainly welcome at our house anytime!

Balancing Parenthood, Chinese-American Style!

I’ve had interesting discussions lately about the Chinese culture and how it compares to our own. First, a high school teacher and I approached our students by comparing and contrasting the education systems within the two countries. Our students seemed taken aback as we discussed how China has a tendency to lean toward “effort” versus some kind of innate intelligence or “giftedness” or privilege. Since an earlier group of students didn’t know who won the Civil War in our country, I thought this was a good topic to talk about. Overall, the students seemed interested in learning about China’s high expectations regarding effort but didn’t seem to make a connection to how this might relate to them or why they would concern themselves with working at subjects that don’t interest them or add to the high profit margin they expect to accrue when they fall into that great career!
Second, Amy Chua’s article about Chinese mothering and David Brook’s response has added to the growing disconnect between us and them. I call this a “disconnect” because I believe both cultures have a lot to offer one another and wonder when we might start finding common ground? Without repeating language such as “superior” or “wimp” to express my likes or dislikes of what each culture stands for, I wonder if maybe they are both right?
In a nutshell, China is more community oriented and the U.S.A. is more individualistic. Having completely opposite economic policies has surely contributed to our vast differences but maybe our two countries have come to this current juncture for a reason? Maybe we have gone to such extremes away from one another that there is no other way but to back track? Maybe in the big scheme, we are cosmically being invited to take a serious look at each other and pay attention to those things that are already working over there and invite them to do the same?
I realize, however, I don’t have control over the top government officials of these two countries but I wonder what is being asked of me as a parent and what I can control in my own house? Maybe I can start by focusing on my children’s efforts? Maybe I can take the heat or maybe even some pride in being “the meanest parent in the world” and calling a “time out” on all electronics while they sit and read? Maybe, I can enforce the expectation that they complete all homework assignments as well as some intentional reading time before engaging in social activities? And maybe, I can instill in them the desire to work towards something they want, a gift, I might add, that will keep on giving their whole lives long.
Whether Chinese households are having similar discussions in their classrooms and living rooms about how the U.S. values relational skills, experiences and connections as a way to wholeness remains to be seen as China and the U.S. attempt to work together in the coming years. I do think that the U.S. may have a bigger battle ahead of them, however, because as any teacher will tell you, it’s much easier to loosen up after being strict and rigid but it’s much harder to reel in the reigns when things get too loose and open.
What do you think? Where do you see the invitation in Chinese and U.S. relations? What can you do in your own house to balance structure with openness and acceptance?

Where is the Connective Flow?

With so many things shifting in our world today, it’s hard not to get carried away with political rhetoric, fear, anxiety, etc. So often, in times such as these, it’s easy to just want to control your own little piece of the world and micro-manage all that comes in contact with it. That’s how it’s been for me lately.
Luckily, however, I’m in consistent contact with people who try to “listen” rather than just react to the energy around them. They help me notice and pay attention to what is going on with me both externally and internally. This is not an easy task to do all by myself, believe me I know! Much of my life, I have struggled with doing everything for and by myself. It rarely occurred to me that I could actually ask for help unless I was immobilized with illness and even then, I would try to do as much as I could without ever asking anyone for anything. Without going into deep analysis as to why I thought I had to do everything for myself, I am now grateful to know people who help me listen and guide me toward acting from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.
They help me stay in touch with the life source within me that never lets me down and is always ready and willing to help me out with anything I need. This has been a great source of comfort for me because it makes me realize that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to figure everything out for myself.
How do I do this listening thing? I’m not exactly sure but what I do know is that a lot of it has to do with “questioning.” For instance, I have spent the last few months learning the ins and outs of social media networking. I’ve really enjoyed it and have found it to be quite life-giving. I know this because it seems to give me energy instead of draining it from me. I guess you could say it “fills my well” for the time being at least.
Now, the interesting part is that I have been getting all kinds of encouragement from the external world around this new endeavor of mine and wonder if there isn’t a bigger connection being made for me here? Why is it that people are calling me for advice on social media issues? Why is it that opportunities are presenting themselves all around me via this context and I have done very little to encourage them? "What’s going on here" I wonder?
And that is how it begins. I wonder and I wonder some more. Then, I listen and listen some more. I find those who are encouraging of my listening and I ask them to listen with me until we find a “next step” or a movement that coincides with the connection I’ve made both internally and externally. It’s an amazing process and if done with humility and grace, incredibly fruitful! And the best part is that it’s something I will never have to do alone again.
So reader, how do you listen? How do you take a step back and observe what may be going on both inside of you and outside of you? Are there any connections? Is there a place where you tap into an abundant well? Maybe that is where the energy is and maybe that is where you will find your “next step” without disrupting the flow?

Black Swan: Grounding Through Dance

I went to see “Black Swan” with a friend over the holiday weekend. It was definitely as creepy as I thought it would be, yet surprisingly beautiful at the same time. A “Psychological Thriller,” maybe? A movie about the often bumpy road toward transformation, definitely!
Putting aside all the gore and psychotic, dream-like sequences, I was mostly moved by the main character’s desire to dance. This unwavering commitment to an art form that has the ability to transcend all of life’s hardships was truly something to behold. Her passion for graceful movement had a kind of life grip to it that made it easy to see that it was the main thing that kept her going. When stripped down to it’s bare bones, their really wasn’t anything else in this girl’s life that could remotely get her through the challenge she was being forced to undertake. It was the one thing that kept her human when everything else was crumbling around her. The one thing she held on to during a process that could have easily lead her astray. A kind of touchstone that kept her on course in the darkness of the unknown.
Looking at my own life, I wonder what is the current touchstone for me? During my thirties it was definitely my kids. Nothing seemed more important than meeting their daily needs. As they got older, I realized that they not only counted on me for stability but that I was counting on them as well. As I watched them watch me, I too began to get a new perspective on who I was to them and who I was to myself. They acted as my little mirrors and kept me humble and motivated to change that in me that was no longer useful or helpful.
Most recently, my touch stone has become writing. To bring that which floats around in my head all day down to a place that makes sense to my everyday life. Resembling a loop, I bring my outer experiences to a place of self-examination and then reconcile it in a way that makes sense to me and hopefully others. No longer separate, my desire is to both transcend and ground that which brings wholeness to myself and those around me.
For my husband, this centrifugal force seems to be music. It seems to “fill his well,” so to speak. He can put up with his day job as long as he has his music to keep him transcending that which can easily become mundane and life-sucking. Call it his “passion” or “reason for being,” I am grateful that he has learned to honor that which keeps him most vital and alive.
I guess this is how it is for most of us? Finding that one thing which transforms the extraordinary into the ordinary of daily living. That thing that keeps it real, down-to-earth and out of the intertwining clouds of thought. What is this for you reader? We’d like to hear.